Thursday, January 13, 2005

Change is so hard. Recently I've come to the decision that I have to change jobs, even though I love the job I'm in, and I love the kids in my youth ministry. But.... But, I just need to move on. I need to be in a different place. I'm ready to go. I'm ready to move on. The problem is, I don't know where to go. I know I'm not supposed to be here. My work here, whatever it was, is over. I just don't know where I'm supposed to go next.

I know that not everyone who reads these blogs are believers, of any sort. And I know that for people who think that they are, or should be, in control of their lives, this kind of talk is pretty ridiculous. Laughable, even. I mean, what kind of loser thrashes around desperately seeking God's will (or at least His preference) for every little (or big) thing instead of just going out and getting a job. Do what you want. Just go.

But, for some reason it's just not that easy for me. I know I could get another job easily enough. In fact, I know of a couple of things that are open that I could probably just walk into. I don't make that much money. I could probably match my salary working at Target and get better benefits besides. But that's not the point. That's not how I want to live my life. I've had 'just jobs' and I've had 'careers', but ultimately the frustration and just plain wrongness of not doing what you're supposed to be doing makes it not worthwhile. I just don't want to waste anymore time that way. I'm not on earth just to make ends meet, to survive. I want to do what I was born to do. Or at least what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I just don't know what that is.

Why does this have to be so hard?

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Mysterious Trees
We had an ice storm here last week, and as I was driving (sort-of, skating sort-of) around town I happened to notice the trees an how beautiful they are when coated with ice. It's amazing really, that something that can be so destructive can also be so beautiful. Anyway, it got me to thinking about trees themselves, and how wonderfully mysterious they are. I mean, when you look at a tree, it looks like it is just sitting there--like a rock or something. But when you actually think about it, there is always something going on inside trees, you just can't see it. There are roots digging down, getting a better purchase on the earth or seeking nourishment, sap running up and down inside the tree, twigs lengthening cell by cell, leaves and buds gathering themselves to spring forth. Yep, even though it looks like nothing may be happening with a tree, it is actually quite a busy place. There's always more going on on the inside than you can see on the outside.
I think the same thing is true of people. When you look at them, it may look like nothing is going on. But I believe that God's grace is at work in them and their lives all the time, just in ways you sometimes can't see. Sometimes God's grace is even invisible to us in our own lives. But it's still at work, deep down and without a lot of fanfare, just growing here, preparing there, always busy, always moving toward becoming a stronger, more beautiful, mature person (or tree).