Things are really wierd in my world these days.
--In November, I got the choice on my job to either quit, be fired, or continue with a sizable chunk of the church and youth parents opposed to me. That's not precisely how it was put, but that's what it boiled down to. And the quitting was wrapped in the option of pushing harder to get my own church to pastor, which is really what I want to do. So that's the option that I chose. But, even though I'm in a 'transitional' phase, I'm still doing the same job, plus 'other duties as required' to 'gain some experience' and also reassure the ones who want me gone that I'm really leaving. The hard part is staying engaged with the kids while I get ever more ready to move on.
--In the week between Christmas & New Year's, my son got his driver's license. He's my youngest, so we are now in the early stages of empty nest. Because, you know that as soon as kids get wheels, they are pretty much gone. It seems very strange around our house sometimes in the evenings and on weekends. And when his girlfriend is allowed to actually date starting next month, I expect that things will get even wierder.
--My daughter took her first road trip this weekend. She and a friend drove to Dallas for a couple of days to visit another friend. And, I know, she's in college and it's totally appropriate for her to do stuff like that. But the first time they take off on a long trip it's hard. I guess it might be easier if she had to travel several hours instead of just one to go back and forth to school, but I don't think so. But the trip went fine and she got home OK, except she's kind of sick and we're hoping it's not the flu. She goes back to college tomorrow and starting the semester with the flu is not going to help her grades at all.

On a personal note, I've really gotten back into knitting again. In fact, I'm kind of expanding my horizons a little bit. This year I plan to really explore socks, since that seems to be the big thing, and lace. I took my first sock class this week and it went pretty well. In 2 weeks I'm starting a class on Victorian Lace. I'm really excited about that.

Prayer of the People-Traditional Service, Nov. 19, 2006Scripture Reference: 1 Samuel 1:4-20

Holy One of Blessing—
Whose graciousness fills all of creation,

We come, like Hannah,
To talk with You,
To rest in Your presence
To just be, with you, in this time that we’ve set aside,
Just for you, God.

And also like Hannah,
We, each and every one of us,
Hold in our hearts that one thing that we want more than anything else.
Some of these things are good and right
And we can relax and know that they will come in your time.
Some are not good,
And from those we need to be released,
So that we can again be fully in accord with you.
And some are good, but not right for us.
These are the hardest, Lord,
Because it’s so easy for us to say, “Why not?”
Help us trust you with those, as well,
To recognize, that you always know best,
And that even though we want to be the ones in control,
It’s really best when you are.
We place all these things in your hands,

And we also place into your hands these names that we lift this morning.

Read prayer list

And alongside these, we place all those other things that remain unsaid,
The secrets, the worries, the fears.

We ask that you bring healing where healing is needed,
Strength where strength is needed
Compassion and forgiveness where love is needed,
Comfort where comfort is needed,
And joy and peace to us all.

As always, let us and those we love, be open and aware of your presence, your care and your gifts in our lives,
As we pray together the prayer you taught us to pray.

Our Father…

Float Trip Preparations
Tomorrow I head off to a local river, leading 40 people in a church float trip. It's always a great time, one of the highlights of the year for my youth group. It's also a time when a lot of friends come along, some from no faith traditions, some from different faith traditions. That always makes the worship and devotional times interesting. I have no problem with required worship times--it is a church trip, after all. And, contrary to many Christian traditions, I don't feel a need to make a 'convert tonight or die and go to hell' pitch to everyone who comes. I just want to help them feel God's love and care for them, and to help everyone there see that lived out in our care for each other. I am firmly in St. Francis camp on this one--always preach Christ, if necessary use words. I just believe that the words should best come in response to what has been awakened in someone--yearning, curiosity, even animosity--and not be what comes first.

Anyway, constructing worship--and listening for God's voice in that process--is always interesting for this event. Even more so this year, when I know that several of these kids have had really tough times in the past. Some are truly antagonist toward even the concept of God, and are encouraged to be so by parents with the same attitude. Some have really warped ideas both of who God is and who they are. Some have grown up in the church and, for them, the mystery of God has disappeared, only to become 'white noise.'

Dear God, what a fascinating place you put us in, and what fascinating creatures your children are.

Prayer for today:Bend what is rigid in me, warm up what is frozen in me. (Old prayer quoted on Pray-As-You-Go podcast for Mar. 23, 2006).

Question for the day: What does it mean to be a Christian?

• Is it believing the right things? Which things specifically?
• Is it doing the right things? Which things?
• Is it not doing other things? Which things?
• Is it in what you do or who you are?
• Is it just being a nice person?
• What is the role of passion, of thought, of sacrifice, of joy?

I would love to hear your responses.

Some random thoughts for today...

• When you need to preach a prophetic truth, calling your people to account, it has to be done from a confessional stance. Because the reality is, we all struggle. It's not holding yourself as a standard of holiness, but a failure (like everyone else). But as one who in failure is moving toward God.
• Some have made the point that many atheists are closer to God than many religious people. Being angry with God is being passionately involved, as opposed to many believers who take God for granted and hold him at a distance.
• OK, so the New York Times interviewed 3 women in polygamous relationships about their responses to the new HBO show, 'Big Love'. Since these are primarily Mormon fundamentalists who as a group, I believe, would not support gay marriage or partnership in any form, I find this quote fascinating:
  "It's a more realistic view of a polygamous family that lives out in society than people have known," said Anne Wilde, a widow who was part of a multiple family for 33 years. "It can be seen as a viable alternative lifestyle between consenting adults."
  Does anybody but me see about 30 different directions you could go from here philosophically? Does putting these 2 together work at all or is this a massive example of cognitive dissonance? (Here's the url for the story: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/28/arts/television/28poly.html?_r=1&oref=slogin)

Lots of things to talk about. In fact, so many that I'm having trouble focussing on just one. (This is a frequently problem for me.)

1. I have to go run sound for a funeral shortly. This is the 4th funeral in our church in a week. It seems like whenever we get a cold snap like the one this weekend we often lose a few people, but this is like a new record. The hard thing about performing or helping in funerals is that they (obviously) aren't the kind of thing you can schedule so you have to just drop everything and focus exclusively on them. Of course, what else can you do? These are all people that you, or someone, has known and loved and is now grieving. How can you do anything less than drop everything to mark their passage and try and to provide comfort to those mourning their loss? I sometimes wonder if those people who wonder what church staff does all week have any idea how dumb that question is? We are there. Your needs are our schedule.

2. I'm a youth director at my church and right now I seem to be caught in a feud with my high schoolers. At least, they seem to think it's a feud. I just think they are struggling with making some decsions about who they are and who they want to be and just when they think they might decide to grow up. Word must be leaking out, though. I got my first call from a concerned (but misinformed) parent. I'm glad she's taking an interest. I'm glad that the high school group cares enough to be upset at me. But I'm not foolish enough to think that the next few weeks are likely to be easy ones. Lord have mercy.

3. I've been leading an adult class on Will Wilimon's new book, Sinning Like A Christian. The book is good, but more fascinating has been to watch people's reactions to it. Everyone squirms. But some react thoughtfully, some angrily. Know these people and their histories as I do, it's really interesting to see how they react to discussions of all those inisidious sins who are always following us around and looking for an opportunity to bite us in the butt. I wonder how many of them realize how much of ourselves we reveal when we talk about what makes us uncomfortable or angry?

4. Podcasts are wonderful. I'm having a great time, but in my usually compulsive style I've managed to subscribe to many more than I can possibly listen to in a day. So, now, in addition to having the opportunity to be behind in books, magazines, newspapers, movies, music and TV, I can also be behind in my podcasts. I have some real concerns about podcasts, though. While I think it's a wonderfully democratic medium for those privileged enough to have the technology and time to produce their own opinions on the world, I am seriously concerned about how much the ability to only listen to, view or read those things and people that we already agree with contributes to the further fracturing of our society. No wonder we are losing the skill of listening to others and discussing with them. We are getting so isolated in our own little position/opinion cocoons that even encountering someone with a different viewpoint is like a splash of cold water in the face. "I had forgotten that those people even exist." How can we learn, grow, evaluate, or even just be in community with each other if we can only tolerate those who please and agree with us? I find this a very scary place to be.

I'm Back!!
OK. I'm going to try and get this puppy rolling again. I'm not sure why this is so hard for me. I think I'm trying to be too profound, like I have to come up with some deep thought that no one in the universe has ever come up with before. Yea. Fat Chance. So, I'm going to try for lighter and see what happens. That's the great thing about keeping my little personal blog a secret. Even if someone I know runs across it, they won't know it's me.

Yesterday I listened to a very interesting podcast. It's still running around in my head. It was a sermon from Charla Gwartney on the Choctaw United Methodist Church podcast from, I think, this summer called 'Are you growing grass or pulling weed?' OK, so maybe the title is a little cheesy, but you try and come up with a catchy title every week and see how you do.

Anyway, the point of the sermon was that instead of putting all our time and effort and energy into trying to something that we have absolutely no talent for (like me playing the guitar) we (and God's kingdom) would be better served if we learned to do well enough to get by in those things and put our effort into learning the do the things we do really well, the things we have talents for, the gifts God gave us and intended for us to use, excellently. Those are the talents we were given. That is the way we were created. That is the gift the world needs from us. So why do we spend all our time blowing off what we do really well so we can try and perfect abilities that for us will only be so-so skills but never the best we can do. I can learn to play a guitar well enough, and have as a matter of fact, but I'll never be able to make real music.

But I can write. I can speak. I can teach. I do these things better than most, even when I'm just phoning it in. This is where I need to focus and quit squandering the gifts I've been given. So why did it take me until I'm 50 to figure this out?

Thanks Charla.

The Church has Lost Its Way
I find myself increasingly upset about the reputation the Christian church has developed in the United States, especially among those who aren't affiliated with it. I was reading an article in Vanity Fair recently about diversity and how cities that welcomed diversity were thriving, while those who didn't weren't. The author went on to talk about states with reputations for being hostile to diversity--specifically homosexuality--and then explained that (at least in his view) that was because these were heavily rural states where people went to church.

Now wait a minute. I will confess that I do live in Oklahoma. And that Oklahoma is not known as being on the cutting edge of tolerance, culture, diversity or much of anything else. And I go to church. But that does not mean that I'm comfortable with the dominant cultural/political/social stances of the people I live around. Nor are many of the Christians I know. In fact, the thoughtful Christians I know (and there are many) are appalled by the way we in the church have allowed people with hateful, hostile, angry political and social agendas hijack a religion that has as one of it's core missions to reach out and nurture every single person on earth as a beloved child of God. That's the command, and anyone who starts drawing lines and sorting groups into us and them is flouting the very commands of Christ himself. (And before anyone starts sending me any snippy e-mails about sin and judgement, let me say right off that those are God's responsibilities, not ours, and to try and help God out with His job is the core of arrogance itself.)

So there it is. We in the church have forgotten ourselves--who we are and what we are supposed to be about. We have allowed ourselves to be sidetracked from our main mission. What about it Christians? What can we do to help put our faith back on the right track?

Church Members Behaving Badly
We've got this thing going on in our church right now where a few people are accusing another group of people of behaving badly--welshing on a bill for using the church nursery, being exclusive, taking advantage of the church name and church facilities to essentially facilitate their private socal activities, etc. I know, it sounds really petty, and when you just look at what people are saying officially, it probably is. What it really feels like, though, is one or two people have been deeply hurt and now feel that justice can only be served through public humiliation of the parties involved--preferably by the re-introduction of stocks just outside the sanctuary or public floggings in the gym. The truth of the matter is, I don't think even that would help as long as anyone involved in this chooses to hang on to their anger and bitterness as the defining theme of their life right now. It is all so sad to watch.

The other sad thing is that they are using the church as the focal point for their fantasies of revenge. Both sides. And trying to pull everyone they can into the brawl on one side or another. And so a place of peace and healing has once again become a battleground, at least for some people. Fortunately for them, some people are blessedly oblivious.

Of course, this kind of stuff happens in churches all the time. And, having been in and around churches my whole life, I've often wondered why people are so often at their worst around the place that is supposed to be the best part of their lives. And it's ususally people who are the most devoted to the church that act the worst. I don't know that anyone has the answer, but I've come to my own conclusions. I think that people act stuck in kindergarten at church just because it is so important to them emotionally. It is like, this place, this institution is so important that when things get tough they lose all perspective, all balance, all reason and respond strictly emotionally. It's almost too important to them to allow them to respond like adults, and they revert to being children.

I think this explains a lot of rabidly conservative evangelical thinking a acting these days.

Oh well. God save us, and our church, from ourselves.

The Terri Schiavo case got me thinking. Of course, with all the publicity and posturing the only biological life forms not forced to think about it were sea slugs in the south Pacific. No wait, that would describe most politicians and media pundits. Maybe there weren't any life forms that managed to avoid it. Except, of course, all those people who are just trying to stay alive themselves and having a hard time of it. I guess it doesn't matter how many poor people starve to death or die unnecessarily because of bad water or inadequate health care as long as we can wring every single drop of emotion out of 1 middle class white woman in the United States. In case you can't tell, I don't think much of people who passionately care about every single life--as long as it belongs to someone just like them.

The person I really feel sorry for in this whole thing is Terri herself. I can't imagine that anyone would want to become the center of that kind of hurricane of hate, bitterness and self-serving anger. Terri, I hope you find blessings and peace in now.

Anyway, all this made me wonder about how well parents really know their kids. As a parent of teens, I like to believe that I know my kids really well, but if I'm honest I have to admit that I have no way of knowing if that's the truth or just my own personal fantasy. As a child, I will be quick to tell you that my parents never had the foggiest idea of who I was or how I felt. My own personal belief would be that was because they were very careful to only see me through a fog of how they wanted me to be. In fact, one of my own personal nightmare scenarios would be my well-intentioned parents fighting with my husband over what I would want if I were incapacitated. I can tell you right now that my parents would be wrong, and the husband that I loved and had chosen would be right. I can also tell you that my parents would never have believed that.

I guess that's why my gut response about Terri's parents is wondering how much was about their fantasies and needs and inability to let go of their adult child and respect her as an adult. When should a parent let go? What does it mean to let your little eaglets fly as adults? I guess that since my own daughter just turned 18, it's my turn to figure out.

So, much for my Lenten intent to post every day. We're a week into Lent and this is my first post. Oh well, as Anne Lamott says.

I was thinking yesterday about just how much single events can permanently change our approach to the world. I was out zipping around from meeting to meeting and realized that my gas tank was below about 1/3 of a tank and I just went into a panic. I started getting really concerned that I find a gas station right now and fill up. I could not rest easy until I knew that there was plenty of gas in my car. Then I realized that this is kind of a new thing for me. I'm not a person who has habitually run out of gas, but it seemed odd to be so concerned about it. Then I figured out the connection.

A couple of years ago, just 4 days after she got her driver's license, my daughter was in an accident, broke her pelvis and totalled her car. Like all other parents, I don't think I will ever forget getting that phone call and going up to watch them pry her out of the car and then following the ambulance to the hospital. But of all those impressions, one of the clearest is that when we left the accident site for the hospital, my car was almost out of gas. I mean, down to the fumes. All the way over, while comforting my son and making phone calls, I was terrified that we would run out of gas, not make it to the hospital and cause other people she needed to not be there for her because they were coming over to help me. We made it, but I was changed (in many ways). Now, whenever my gas tank gets low, I just get frantic to fill it up--what if something happens and I need to be mobile. I have a feeling that will always be with me.

Funny how single things like that shape our lives.

Boy, did I sound whiny last week. Of course, nothing's changed (yet), I just feel embarrassed for being so whiny about it all.

That's especially ironic when I realize that my youth message last Sunday was about the fact that as people of faith we really don't have to walk alone. Nor do we have to carry all our burdens on our own. Funny, isn't it, how often when we speak to other people we are really talking to ourselves. Maybe that's why so many disfunctional people I know are studying to be therapists, counselors, or social workers. I know for sure that the best ministers, theologians and spiritual directors are the ones who are still seeking themselves. Moybe feeling like you're an expert on something doesn't really give you all the answers, it just means that you're out of touch.

On a personal note, my poor husband has been working on upgrading our home computer now since Saturday. And it's not like he's an amateur or anything. He runs a computer processing center for a major bank. But this PC has just been acting Twilight-Zone level weird. He was up until 4 a.m. Monday morning and then worked on it all day yesterday. Good thing he waited until a holiday weekend to start working on it.

Change is so hard. Recently I've come to the decision that I have to change jobs, even though I love the job I'm in, and I love the kids in my youth ministry. But.... But, I just need to move on. I need to be in a different place. I'm ready to go. I'm ready to move on. The problem is, I don't know where to go. I know I'm not supposed to be here. My work here, whatever it was, is over. I just don't know where I'm supposed to go next.

I know that not everyone who reads these blogs are believers, of any sort. And I know that for people who think that they are, or should be, in control of their lives, this kind of talk is pretty ridiculous. Laughable, even. I mean, what kind of loser thrashes around desperately seeking God's will (or at least His preference) for every little (or big) thing instead of just going out and getting a job. Do what you want. Just go.

But, for some reason it's just not that easy for me. I know I could get another job easily enough. In fact, I know of a couple of things that are open that I could probably just walk into. I don't make that much money. I could probably match my salary working at Target and get better benefits besides. But that's not the point. That's not how I want to live my life. I've had 'just jobs' and I've had 'careers', but ultimately the frustration and just plain wrongness of not doing what you're supposed to be doing makes it not worthwhile. I just don't want to waste anymore time that way. I'm not on earth just to make ends meet, to survive. I want to do what I was born to do. Or at least what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I just don't know what that is.

Why does this have to be so hard?

Mysterious Trees
We had an ice storm here last week, and as I was driving (sort-of, skating sort-of) around town I happened to notice the trees an how beautiful they are when coated with ice. It's amazing really, that something that can be so destructive can also be so beautiful. Anyway, it got me to thinking about trees themselves, and how wonderfully mysterious they are. I mean, when you look at a tree, it looks like it is just sitting there--like a rock or something. But when you actually think about it, there is always something going on inside trees, you just can't see it. There are roots digging down, getting a better purchase on the earth or seeking nourishment, sap running up and down inside the tree, twigs lengthening cell by cell, leaves and buds gathering themselves to spring forth. Yep, even though it looks like nothing may be happening with a tree, it is actually quite a busy place. There's always more going on on the inside than you can see on the outside.
I think the same thing is true of people. When you look at them, it may look like nothing is going on. But I believe that God's grace is at work in them and their lives all the time, just in ways you sometimes can't see. Sometimes God's grace is even invisible to us in our own lives. But it's still at work, deep down and without a lot of fanfare, just growing here, preparing there, always busy, always moving toward becoming a stronger, more beautiful, mature person (or tree).

Two weeks or more since my last post. I feel like a real slug. I know I have the excuse that it's been Christmas, but everyone has that excuse, so it really doesn't count. Part of the reason that I haven't written is that everything I can come up with is trivial, so who else would want to read about it, or so substantial that I don't have time to sit down and really think it out.

I've been going to therapy for carpal tunnel syndrom the last three weeks. There's this local physical therapist that seems to have come up with some kind of new treatment which seems to be pretty good. My doctor says that since she's been sending people to him she hasn't had to send a single person to surgery. I'm not a medical person, so I'm sure I don't know, but I do know that as soon as I started at his clinic most of my symptoms disappeared completely. So I'm pretty hopeful that I may get out of this thing without any cutting--always a good thing. Send me an e-mail if you want any more information about it.

That's pretty much it. Since I had to work something like 16 hours on Christmas Eve organizing the luminary candles for the church, I got Monday and today off. (The whole church staff did.) But, it's back to work tomorrow.

I'm baaak. I have lots to talk about--a local Christian store censoring the Blind Boys of Alabama, the latest post from Sojourners, my son getting his first wrestling pin, my daughter getting elected Best Actress--lots. But I can't right now because I'm supposed to be cleaning house, comething I feel like I haven't done in a month. And, around this place, when I don't work, no one works so the place is a wreck. I just have to say that I did finish my final and turn it in, although it was probably the worst paper I've ever done in my life. And, even though I started working several days ahead, I still ended up doing most of it the last day. It was horrible. But it's done, and life goes on. In this case, (as it is in most cases) that's a good thing.

Kind of a wierd day. Check in day with the doc this morning to make sure the blood sugar is OK and then ended up talking about carpal tunnel most of the morning. Looks like I'm in for some hand therapy for the next two weeks or months. Fun.

I did get to release a book into the wild today. That's always a fun thing for me. It's a real rush when someone reports picking it up on the Bookcrossing website, so now I'l wait and see.

OK. I'm feeling better now. I'm still discouraged, tired of my job, but I'm rested so I at least feel a little more able to cope. Thanks for your concern.

My next big challenge is my final paper for my Intro to Theology class. The last big paper I had, the mid-term, I put off until that morning and finally e-mailed it into the professor without even proofing it. (I still can't believe I did that.) I'm not going to do that with this paper. I'm not. So, even though I haven't started yet, I am going to start today. That gives me one week. I'm going to do this. Right? Right.

I think finals are the hardest not because they are the longest, but because at this point I don't care all that much any more. I still love the class, but all I really want is for it to be over. I'm tired of having this hanging over my head. I just want to be done so I can move on to Christmas or something. Of course, just give me a couple of weeks and I'll feel the same way about Christmas. What is there about us that always needs to move on? Is it because of our temporal natures? Why do we always want to move on? Is that with everything, or only when we get close to seeing the end of something? Is it universal, or just a Western thing? (Why am I so full of questions today? Maybe because it's easier than coming up with answers.) All I'm sure of is that I bet that I keep my blog entries up to date for the next week because that will give me an excuse not to work on my paper.

I am so discouraged tonight. One would think that after 4 days away from my job and my kids (I'm a youth director) I would be happy to be back with them, but I'm not. This morning with the kids wasn't so bad--I won't talk about all my Sunday school teachers who didn't show up--but by this afternoon I didn't even want to be around the kids. Everything they did made me irritable. I can't see the potential anymore, it seems, just the annoying bits. I feel like a drill sergeant more than a minister and I know they feel it, too. I desperately need to be somewhere else, I just don't know where to be, where to go. But I do know that this is not fair to me or them. We both need and deserve better. If something doesn't change soon, I'll be damaging them, not helping them.

OK. So the bad thing about Blog Explosion is that in reading all those other blogs makes me realize how disappointing--or at least boring it is to check in with a familiar blog and find out that nothing has changed since your last visit. Maybe that will make me be more consistent. The only problem is, I'm not sure that my life has that much blog-worthy material. Today let's just settle for some random thoughts:
--My daughter, who is going to college next fall got a scholarship for for $2000 a year for getting her ACT score up to 30. Weeha! Now that's something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
--My son, however, has 27 missing assignments in math. The crazy thing is, even with not turning in that much work, he is still carrying a C in that class. I guess that's more to be thankful for in a strange sort of way.
--I haven't been reading for fun much lately because of my job and my graduate class. But I need to get a novel going soon. I'm feeling a real itch to release another wild book. If you've never heard of a wild book release, check out a www.bookcrossing.com. It involves registering a book, labeling it, and then leaving it somewhere for someone else to pick up and, hopefully, register the catch. It's free, it's fun, and it gives you some kind of unaccountable rush to see it in action--kind of like what my friends who are into the Geocacheing thing must feel on their little treasure hunts. Does anyone else out there do wild book releases? Have you ever caught one? Leave me a comment and let me know what you think of it.

Gotta run. Time to pick up the boy (the one with the math homework challenge) from wrestling practice.