The Terri Schiavo case got me thinking. Of course, with all the publicity and posturing the only biological life forms not forced to think about it were sea slugs in the south Pacific. No wait, that would describe most politicians and media pundits. Maybe there weren't any life forms that managed to avoid it. Except, of course, all those people who are just trying to stay alive themselves and having a hard time of it. I guess it doesn't matter how many poor people starve to death or die unnecessarily because of bad water or inadequate health care as long as we can wring every single drop of emotion out of 1 middle class white woman in the United States. In case you can't tell, I don't think much of people who passionately care about every single life--as long as it belongs to someone just like them.

The person I really feel sorry for in this whole thing is Terri herself. I can't imagine that anyone would want to become the center of that kind of hurricane of hate, bitterness and self-serving anger. Terri, I hope you find blessings and peace in now.

Anyway, all this made me wonder about how well parents really know their kids. As a parent of teens, I like to believe that I know my kids really well, but if I'm honest I have to admit that I have no way of knowing if that's the truth or just my own personal fantasy. As a child, I will be quick to tell you that my parents never had the foggiest idea of who I was or how I felt. My own personal belief would be that was because they were very careful to only see me through a fog of how they wanted me to be. In fact, one of my own personal nightmare scenarios would be my well-intentioned parents fighting with my husband over what I would want if I were incapacitated. I can tell you right now that my parents would be wrong, and the husband that I loved and had chosen would be right. I can also tell you that my parents would never have believed that.

I guess that's why my gut response about Terri's parents is wondering how much was about their fantasies and needs and inability to let go of their adult child and respect her as an adult. When should a parent let go? What does it mean to let your little eaglets fly as adults? I guess that since my own daughter just turned 18, it's my turn to figure out.

So, much for my Lenten intent to post every day. We're a week into Lent and this is my first post. Oh well, as Anne Lamott says.

I was thinking yesterday about just how much single events can permanently change our approach to the world. I was out zipping around from meeting to meeting and realized that my gas tank was below about 1/3 of a tank and I just went into a panic. I started getting really concerned that I find a gas station right now and fill up. I could not rest easy until I knew that there was plenty of gas in my car. Then I realized that this is kind of a new thing for me. I'm not a person who has habitually run out of gas, but it seemed odd to be so concerned about it. Then I figured out the connection.

A couple of years ago, just 4 days after she got her driver's license, my daughter was in an accident, broke her pelvis and totalled her car. Like all other parents, I don't think I will ever forget getting that phone call and going up to watch them pry her out of the car and then following the ambulance to the hospital. But of all those impressions, one of the clearest is that when we left the accident site for the hospital, my car was almost out of gas. I mean, down to the fumes. All the way over, while comforting my son and making phone calls, I was terrified that we would run out of gas, not make it to the hospital and cause other people she needed to not be there for her because they were coming over to help me. We made it, but I was changed (in many ways). Now, whenever my gas tank gets low, I just get frantic to fill it up--what if something happens and I need to be mobile. I have a feeling that will always be with me.

Funny how single things like that shape our lives.

Boy, did I sound whiny last week. Of course, nothing's changed (yet), I just feel embarrassed for being so whiny about it all.

That's especially ironic when I realize that my youth message last Sunday was about the fact that as people of faith we really don't have to walk alone. Nor do we have to carry all our burdens on our own. Funny, isn't it, how often when we speak to other people we are really talking to ourselves. Maybe that's why so many disfunctional people I know are studying to be therapists, counselors, or social workers. I know for sure that the best ministers, theologians and spiritual directors are the ones who are still seeking themselves. Moybe feeling like you're an expert on something doesn't really give you all the answers, it just means that you're out of touch.

On a personal note, my poor husband has been working on upgrading our home computer now since Saturday. And it's not like he's an amateur or anything. He runs a computer processing center for a major bank. But this PC has just been acting Twilight-Zone level weird. He was up until 4 a.m. Monday morning and then worked on it all day yesterday. Good thing he waited until a holiday weekend to start working on it.

Change is so hard. Recently I've come to the decision that I have to change jobs, even though I love the job I'm in, and I love the kids in my youth ministry. But.... But, I just need to move on. I need to be in a different place. I'm ready to go. I'm ready to move on. The problem is, I don't know where to go. I know I'm not supposed to be here. My work here, whatever it was, is over. I just don't know where I'm supposed to go next.

I know that not everyone who reads these blogs are believers, of any sort. And I know that for people who think that they are, or should be, in control of their lives, this kind of talk is pretty ridiculous. Laughable, even. I mean, what kind of loser thrashes around desperately seeking God's will (or at least His preference) for every little (or big) thing instead of just going out and getting a job. Do what you want. Just go.

But, for some reason it's just not that easy for me. I know I could get another job easily enough. In fact, I know of a couple of things that are open that I could probably just walk into. I don't make that much money. I could probably match my salary working at Target and get better benefits besides. But that's not the point. That's not how I want to live my life. I've had 'just jobs' and I've had 'careers', but ultimately the frustration and just plain wrongness of not doing what you're supposed to be doing makes it not worthwhile. I just don't want to waste anymore time that way. I'm not on earth just to make ends meet, to survive. I want to do what I was born to do. Or at least what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I just don't know what that is.

Why does this have to be so hard?

Mysterious Trees
We had an ice storm here last week, and as I was driving (sort-of, skating sort-of) around town I happened to notice the trees an how beautiful they are when coated with ice. It's amazing really, that something that can be so destructive can also be so beautiful. Anyway, it got me to thinking about trees themselves, and how wonderfully mysterious they are. I mean, when you look at a tree, it looks like it is just sitting there--like a rock or something. But when you actually think about it, there is always something going on inside trees, you just can't see it. There are roots digging down, getting a better purchase on the earth or seeking nourishment, sap running up and down inside the tree, twigs lengthening cell by cell, leaves and buds gathering themselves to spring forth. Yep, even though it looks like nothing may be happening with a tree, it is actually quite a busy place. There's always more going on on the inside than you can see on the outside.
I think the same thing is true of people. When you look at them, it may look like nothing is going on. But I believe that God's grace is at work in them and their lives all the time, just in ways you sometimes can't see. Sometimes God's grace is even invisible to us in our own lives. But it's still at work, deep down and without a lot of fanfare, just growing here, preparing there, always busy, always moving toward becoming a stronger, more beautiful, mature person (or tree).

Two weeks or more since my last post. I feel like a real slug. I know I have the excuse that it's been Christmas, but everyone has that excuse, so it really doesn't count. Part of the reason that I haven't written is that everything I can come up with is trivial, so who else would want to read about it, or so substantial that I don't have time to sit down and really think it out.

I've been going to therapy for carpal tunnel syndrom the last three weeks. There's this local physical therapist that seems to have come up with some kind of new treatment which seems to be pretty good. My doctor says that since she's been sending people to him she hasn't had to send a single person to surgery. I'm not a medical person, so I'm sure I don't know, but I do know that as soon as I started at his clinic most of my symptoms disappeared completely. So I'm pretty hopeful that I may get out of this thing without any cutting--always a good thing. Send me an e-mail if you want any more information about it.

That's pretty much it. Since I had to work something like 16 hours on Christmas Eve organizing the luminary candles for the church, I got Monday and today off. (The whole church staff did.) But, it's back to work tomorrow.

I'm baaak. I have lots to talk about--a local Christian store censoring the Blind Boys of Alabama, the latest post from Sojourners, my son getting his first wrestling pin, my daughter getting elected Best Actress--lots. But I can't right now because I'm supposed to be cleaning house, comething I feel like I haven't done in a month. And, around this place, when I don't work, no one works so the place is a wreck. I just have to say that I did finish my final and turn it in, although it was probably the worst paper I've ever done in my life. And, even though I started working several days ahead, I still ended up doing most of it the last day. It was horrible. But it's done, and life goes on. In this case, (as it is in most cases) that's a good thing.

Kind of a wierd day. Check in day with the doc this morning to make sure the blood sugar is OK and then ended up talking about carpal tunnel most of the morning. Looks like I'm in for some hand therapy for the next two weeks or months. Fun.

I did get to release a book into the wild today. That's always a fun thing for me. It's a real rush when someone reports picking it up on the Bookcrossing website, so now I'l wait and see.

OK. I'm feeling better now. I'm still discouraged, tired of my job, but I'm rested so I at least feel a little more able to cope. Thanks for your concern.

My next big challenge is my final paper for my Intro to Theology class. The last big paper I had, the mid-term, I put off until that morning and finally e-mailed it into the professor without even proofing it. (I still can't believe I did that.) I'm not going to do that with this paper. I'm not. So, even though I haven't started yet, I am going to start today. That gives me one week. I'm going to do this. Right? Right.

I think finals are the hardest not because they are the longest, but because at this point I don't care all that much any more. I still love the class, but all I really want is for it to be over. I'm tired of having this hanging over my head. I just want to be done so I can move on to Christmas or something. Of course, just give me a couple of weeks and I'll feel the same way about Christmas. What is there about us that always needs to move on? Is it because of our temporal natures? Why do we always want to move on? Is that with everything, or only when we get close to seeing the end of something? Is it universal, or just a Western thing? (Why am I so full of questions today? Maybe because it's easier than coming up with answers.) All I'm sure of is that I bet that I keep my blog entries up to date for the next week because that will give me an excuse not to work on my paper.

I am so discouraged tonight. One would think that after 4 days away from my job and my kids (I'm a youth director) I would be happy to be back with them, but I'm not. This morning with the kids wasn't so bad--I won't talk about all my Sunday school teachers who didn't show up--but by this afternoon I didn't even want to be around the kids. Everything they did made me irritable. I can't see the potential anymore, it seems, just the annoying bits. I feel like a drill sergeant more than a minister and I know they feel it, too. I desperately need to be somewhere else, I just don't know where to be, where to go. But I do know that this is not fair to me or them. We both need and deserve better. If something doesn't change soon, I'll be damaging them, not helping them.

OK. So the bad thing about Blog Explosion is that in reading all those other blogs makes me realize how disappointing--or at least boring it is to check in with a familiar blog and find out that nothing has changed since your last visit. Maybe that will make me be more consistent. The only problem is, I'm not sure that my life has that much blog-worthy material. Today let's just settle for some random thoughts:
--My daughter, who is going to college next fall got a scholarship for for $2000 a year for getting her ACT score up to 30. Weeha! Now that's something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
--My son, however, has 27 missing assignments in math. The crazy thing is, even with not turning in that much work, he is still carrying a C in that class. I guess that's more to be thankful for in a strange sort of way.
--I haven't been reading for fun much lately because of my job and my graduate class. But I need to get a novel going soon. I'm feeling a real itch to release another wild book. If you've never heard of a wild book release, check out a www.bookcrossing.com. It involves registering a book, labeling it, and then leaving it somewhere for someone else to pick up and, hopefully, register the catch. It's free, it's fun, and it gives you some kind of unaccountable rush to see it in action--kind of like what my friends who are into the Geocacheing thing must feel on their little treasure hunts. Does anyone else out there do wild book releases? Have you ever caught one? Leave me a comment and let me know what you think of it.

Gotta run. Time to pick up the boy (the one with the math homework challenge) from wrestling practice.

I am totally exhausted. Our youth group just finished doing 2 major fundraisers in 2 weeks. (Don't even ask about the calendar considerations that got them scheduled back to back.) My life has been totally put on hold for the last 2 weeks, so now I get to spend some time picking up the pieces--the first one of which will have to be catching up with my graduate class. Oh, and I guess I had better get something together for my son's birthday.

Actually, I have several amusing stories (read: rants) that I could share about some of my volunteers and parents, but won't because some of you know who I am. In fact, I'm seriously thinking about creating another blog just for my evil twin. Yea, I could do that. But then my respectable self/blog would probably die from neglect. Besides, if I give a voice to the evil twin, do you think it will grow stronger? (This is sounding really flaky now. I must be tireder than I thought.)

I think I'll just go to bed now, before I say something truly stupid.

Jim Wallis writes in the Sojourner Magazine newsletter:

A post-election poll conducted by Zogby International a few days later confirmed that when a list of specific issues was asked, the results were quite different. When asked which "moral issue most influenced your vote," 42% chose war in Iraq while 13% said abortion and 9% said same-sex marriage. The "most urgent moral problem in American culture" resulted in 33% selecting "greed and materialism," 31% "poverty and economic justice," 16% abortion, and 12% same-sex marriage. The "greatest threat to marriage" was identified as "infidelity" by 31%, "rising financial burdens" by 25%, and "same-sex marriage" by 22%. See the full Zogby poll

As always, things are much more nuanced than we are led to believe by the media and those who prefer to parrot sound bites than to think for themselves. What this whole debate is that there are vast numbers of moderate and progressive Christians who are horrified at the things done in the name of our religion, who don't support what's happening in our country and who didn't vote for Bush. And many, many of us live in Red States, but that doesn't define us.

For more on Sojourner's Magazine, check out their website at www.sojo.net.

OK. I can see how this new little 'pastime' of mine could easily take over my whole life--well, maybe not everthing, but you know what I mean. Yesterday, everytime I thought I would take a minute to post, I thought that first I would just surf 'for a few minutes.' Well, you all know what happened. 'Just one more click.' This is as addictive as a slot machine.

My other problem is now I've started looking at everything as blog fodder. I drive around musing about what witty, insightful or mundane things I should natter on about today. Nothing is sacred. My family and friends would be horrified. (Which is why only a select few know about this little spot of mine. Certainly no one, or almost no one, from my job will ever get the address from me.) The problem is, I toss around so many ideas that I can't settle on anything.

But, my friend came to the rescue with an e-mail she sent me for Very Good Looking Damn Smart Woman Day that included this motto:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arrivingsafely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid insideways, chocolate in one hand, margarita in the other.

I like it, but it probably won't fit on a t-shirt.

Oh, and one final word for today. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to all the kind people who commented or e-mailed me your encouraging words about my little blog. I really appreciate you taking the time to do that. I would reply personally to all of you, but I haven't quite figured out how to do that yet. I'm still working on it. So, thanks again.

I'm so excited. Someone has actually read my blog. Actually, thanks to Blogexposion (www.blogexplosion.com), several people have apparently surfed through here--I don't know if they read anything or not. But one person commented. A real live person! Woo hoo! Of course, now I'm all nervous about posting again. What if I let them down? What if they come back and decide I'm just boring? What should I say next? (Is this the blog equivalent of stage fright or just me freaking out?)

Oh well. It's cool to have readers, even if they think I'm boring. I've learned a lot about blogworld since I've been on Blogexplosion--mainly how many truly articulate people there are out there looking for an outlet, even if they just want to natter on about their day to day life. (Of course, this kind of makes sense since people who really struggle with writing will look for a different kind of outlet, duh!) I kind of like just randomly floating around blogworld checking out what's going on with other people. I just hope that blogs don't fade out like the old CB radion fad did. I would miss it. But I'll worry about that later.

Now I have to shut up--for 2 reasons. One is that I'm at work and need to be conscientious and all that. The other is that I still have a paper due for my theology class at 2:30 and I haven't even started yet (unless you count laying awake last night thinking.) So, I guess I had better get going.

BTW, if you have comments or suggestions, or just want to let me know that Blogexplosion sent you here, I would love to hear from you.

Steve Waldman in his On Belief on Beliefnet ("Perverted, God-Hating Frenchies vs. Inbred, Sex-Obsessed Yokels ") makes this statement:

On both sides, discourse now moves swiftly from disagreement into demonizing, from contrast to caricature. The worst motives are always assumed. Both camps have polemicists who win popularity, ratings, and book sales by devising ever more clever ways of ripping the eyelids off their opponents. We all know the visceral satisfactions of hanging out with our home-team blogs and watching the TV or radio stations that fit our worldview. Our politicians and pundits happily supply us with the voodoo dolls and the pins. But we'd be smarter not to use them.I’m not saying the conflicting values aren’t profound and important. But I am saying that if we choose to find the legitimate underpinnings of our ideological opponents' arguments, we can. It may not be as much fun, but it is more patriotic.

I think he's really on to something here. It seems that with more and more individual activity on the Internet and more and more targeting of the public media--radio, television, magazines, etc.--people only hear, much less listen to, folks that already agree with them. They only notice the home team. We have so many communications options these days that we don't have to hear anyone that doesn't already agree with us unless we want to. How can you learn that way? How can a person think? What how can they stretch their thinking or step back from their assumptions if all they expose themselves to only reinforces what they already think? Have we become a nation of cowards, afraid to hear anyone or anything that doesn't agree with us because they might say something worth considering? How sad that so many of us are so afraid or so lazy.

I agree that it's much more fun to go at our opponents with daggers and flame throwers. But at some point we have to listen to other ideas or we really will slip back into the Dark Ages that so many fear. Only this time it won't be because of a lack of education or opportunities, but from a lack of courage.

I can't believe it's only been a week. It feels like much longer since my last post. So much has happened, but not much that I feel like talking about. The youth group at our church had their annual auction today and as youth director it has consumed most of my life for the last week. It actually went well, only a few hitches, but we really didn't make as much money as we have in the past. That, plus the usual post-event letdown and general fatigue from being up most of the night getting ready has left me a little bummed. Funny how so many big, or at least intense events, leave you with this big letdown afterward. It's like you always have to pay. Maybe that's just the way of life. For every good thing, or big thing, you always have to pay.

I am so tired, I can just barely focus enough to type. Sundays are really hard when you're in church work. It's not at all unusual for me to have a 10-12 hour day on Sunday. Of course, having infinite flexibility for hours during the week kinda helps to balance it out. My problem is that that same infinite flexibility seems to mean that I'm free to work all the overtime I can squeeze in, whether it's a good idea or not.

Balance is just such a challenge in our lives today. The people I know who seemed the most balanced don't seem to be nearly driven enough to survive in today's society. I think I'm just pemanently warped. At least I'm not alone.

Oh well. I'm obviously rambling. I have homework and housework to do, but I don't think I'm really coherent enough to do anything. I expect that I would actually have to re-do it all tomorrow, so I think I'll give up and actually go to bed at a reasonable hour. What a concept.

I'm finally coming back after the elections. I really didn't want to post before, during or after the elections because I was frankly scared about being too emotional on-line about the whole thing. I am truly disappointed, but not surprised abou the results--both nationally and locally. Bottom line, for me, is that obviously the majority of people in this country are not yet in enough pain to face the fear and pain involved in change. Unfortunately, I really think that they pain level is going to rise exponentially in the next 4 years. I just hope we all survive.

The good news was watching my daughter's excitement as she voted for the first time. I know several first-time voters, actually, and they were all really thrilled and a bit overwhelmed at the responsibility. And, even better news, several of their friends who couldn't vote yet were jealous. I hope this bodes well for us as we look to a new generation that may take their responsibilities as citizens more seriously that some generations have in the past. I just hope they don't get too jaded too quickly.

I've been doing a lot of knitting lately, making scarves for an upcoming craft fair. Not too long ago I was working on a new pattern--just developing it really--not sure where it was going or what it would look like, but letting it just come from my fingers. I asked my daughter what she thought of the new scarf, and she replied, "I don't know. I need to wait and see what it looks like when it's done. Right now I can't tell if it's supposed to look that way or if you just made a mistake." What an interesting perspective. Often in the pattern that God knits of our lives, we can't see the pattern yet either. Often it feels like a mistake. But as a designer, I know that there are never mistakes in a design, just new directions to go and new opportunities to take.